“If diplomacy were an Olympic sport, Romney would most certainly not be taking home the gold.”
Best line from an article I read about presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s foreign policy boosting experience…to London.
(To create Foreign Policy credentials for a green presidential candidate)
Presidential candidates (at least one)
Foreign policy credentials (will need to be created)
Foreign policy hand-outs
Assorted grooming tools
Perfect hair, teeth
Personal money (millions)
Clothing (top of the line)
Private jet. (First class if funds are low)
Major event (Olympic games, a war)
Huge campaign contributions
Mouth (at least two)
Storm of controversy
Foreign languages (optional)
Consistency of opinion
Positions on issues (at least 2 on everything)
Criticism of other candidate
Book: “Tips On Annihilating The Opposition” by Ree Publican
Hand briefcase of foreign policy handouts to candidate about a month before travel. Keep candidate AWAY from press while he/she brushes up on issues/geography. Brief candidate daily as needed and hold mock debates with candidate weekly, as needed.
Put on ice. Keep candidate frozen, out-of-touch with foreign policy issues. After 6 months, thaw candidate, proceed to instructions below. Dress newly defrosted candidate in top-of-the line designer clothing. Groom candidate to look successful, polished, suave. Hand candidate over to handlers.
Take suave, well-groomed newly de-frosted presidential candidate with no foreign policy experience…and examine closely for flaws. Ensure hair/teeth are perfect. (Candidate may remain looking frozen, but this cannot be helped.)
If you find anything that might potentially damage your candidate, NOW is the time to sweep it under the rug, bury it or pay people off – NEVER, ever admit or confess to anything from this time forward.
Research world situations and decide which country/nations candidate should visit. Carefully choose a foreign country where your candidate will be accepted. (several countries best), preferably U.S. allies, like Britain. Ideally you need a major event like the Olympics or a war, like Afghanistan.
Use candidates large personal fortune or campaign donations to secure a private jet. (Good for privacy – in case candidate makes an un-presidential, off-color joke, say about poor people or race or gender.) INFORM MEDIA and bundle candidate off to foreign country with much fan-fair.
Land in country. Add interview designed to boost your foreign policy credentials back home. Quote from folder of embarrassing comments (after promising handlers you will NEVER read that folder again!). Speak English as a Foreign Language and use one of your mouths to throw in a couple of doozies denigrating your host country. Stir in storm of controversy then mix in a handful of changing opinions and use your other mouth to retract what you said.
Dust candidate with a bucket of likeability, personality, and diplomatic skill and consistency of opinions. Add a cup of expression softener.
PACK candidate into a box labeled controlling your interviews and public appearances, shove in the freezer and jet off to next location.
Thaw candidate half-hour before landing at next destination. Review positions on issues, decide which one to use in that country.
Repeat above for each country on candidate’s itinerary.
On jet returning to America, read book: “Tips On Annihilating The Opposition” by Ree Publican.
When you get home, criticize opponents for their LACK of foreign policy experience.